I recommend posting this status to your Facebook profile from a phone booth in the snow. Half-naked backpackers are already lining up to do the same, so get in fast!
Yet another irritating chain status is doing the rounds on Facebook today, encouraging people to assert copyright over their content by reposting the status to their walls. As Snopes.com points out, posting such a notice is basically pointless, so I decided to have some fun with it.
In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that I already own all this stuff as an instantiation of the force underlying the universe, and that my metaphysical ownership applies to all servers, personnel, intellectual property and the spouses of all Facebook employees as a result of the Stockholm Syndrome.
For commercial or comical use of the above you can stick your written request for permission in a bottle and fling it into the ocean!
(Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it onto their Facebook Wall or tattoo it on their forehead. This will place them under scrutiny and ridicule from friends, enemies, and random passersby.) I notify Facebook that anything is strictly permitted, and that we are all fundamentally alone in the meaningless universe with no absolute standards of conduct or any grand overarching purpose to guide us. The aforementioned existential vertigo also applies to employees, students, agents and/or any staff under Facebook’s or any other gargantuan corporation’s direction or control, and indeed to anyone, except possibly inhabitants of other universes where God is not yet dead. The content of this profile is partially absurd and fictional, and if you misuse it I’ll come around to your house and give you a good spanking (as approved under UCC 1 1—666—666 1—666 and the Timbuktu Accord).
Facebook is now an insert meaningless businessy term here. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this to indicate that resistance is futile. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of your internal organs as well as information about what you eat for breakfast and what you get up to in the bedroom department.
At least one friend has flattered me by reposting. Thank you!
This was the original:
In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, professional photos and videos, etc. (as a result of the Berner Convention). For commercial use of the above my written consent is needed at all times! (Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall. This will place them under protection of copyright laws. By the present communiquÃ©, I notify Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, students, agents and/or any staff under Facebook’s direction or control. The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of my privacy is punished by law (UCC 1 1—308—308 1—103 and the Rome Statute).
(Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates.)
I love how it cites the nonexistent “Berner Convention” instead of the “Berne Convention.”
(Image: A Matter of the Heart, CC BY-ND 2.0 2009 by h.koppdelaney.)