Be a man; be an asshole

Today I had the good fortune of being scheduled a lesson where none of the students attended. The room it was in had a computer and internet access, so I spent some time emailing and reading the news. I also came across “The Golly Files.txt” sitting on the desktop. The file is a series of satirical comments on my blog either written or collated by someone who has been making half-baked attempts to take the piss out of me at my workplace since late last year, by posting a series of odd and barely-sensical “Golly files” on a pinboard at work.

“Golly” is a name that this person has decided to apply to me, and comes from a photo posted on a board at work a while ago. In it, I’m teaching at a girls’ high-school in Osaka, and showing the class a teatowel made by my parents, with a design featuring golliwogs (gollies).

Quite a lot of effort has gone into these comments: someone delved as far back as my post on “Japanese Story”:http://benhourigan.com/archives/2005/02/25/japanese-story/ for #9, and #s 5, 7-9, 16, 21, 24 and 29 (see below) are all likely inspired by material from posts. I’m not quite sure why Declan McManus (a.k.a. Elvis Costello) is supposedd to feel “graphically abused,” although he has sung of others being “rythmically admired” (in “Welcome to the Working Week”), but hey, whatever… Observing the style and the range of literary references, I’m beginning to get a suspicion of who might be behind the whole thing.

It’s no mystery to me why someone moderately clever would amuse themselves here by making fun of me. There’s precious little to do here, and since a Western intellect will go to waste in Japan, it may as well be wasted on something truly inane. I am, I’ll admit, an easy target. Putting myself in an intentionally unflattering light, I am a short and skinny man with a deep sense of self-importance, a serious demeanour, and not much appreciation for irony or for typically masculine pursuits such as social drinking, sports, and saying unflattering things about women.

What’s slightly perplexing, though, is why said person would make fun so cryptically and without giving me any attitude to my face. Sir, you shame yourself by being such a coward. Be a man; if you dislike me, at least be an asshole about it. Insult me extravagantly and in public, while I’m in the room. Stand behind your words, as I stand by mine.

The contains comments on my blog, and so here they are, where they properly belong. Enjoy, readers.

Comments on Golly’s Blog here Please

1. Scintillating Wonderful prose :- Noddy
2. Compleat toss :- Big ears
3. Wakarahen :- Kenji tanaka
4.Full of sound and fury signifying nothing:-Jaques Derrida
5. lord luv a duck, leave it out guv !, ;-Ken Livingston
6. you misunderestimate us:- George W. Bush
7.How dare you quote me :- Matt Rusling
8. Pretentious crap:-Ben’s Supervisor
9.I was determined not to like this Golly’s blog, and so, unsurprisingly, I didn’t.:-end quote
10. Holy Metal!-batman
11. if you play this blog backwards it says”paul mc Cartney is dead.”;-John Lennon
12. i read this blog, and …:- lou lou on the bridge
13. i blog therefore i am:- little big man
14. I cannot answer this question as I may be arrested:-Ojima
shacho
15. This clearly proves that humans are an inferior species and should be exterminated;-Davros
16. we should be very afaid;-Canada Immigration
17. Will no-one rid me of this troublesome blog?:- Henry II
18. I cannot understand this blog-Stephen Hawkings
19. I was wrong-Charles Darwin
20. I sense a wrongness in the force-a latex puppet
21. ‘ere, who’s the git wot’s bean hackin’ me blog then?:- Golly
22.We should put these people in work camps..-hitler
23. Pure Unadulerated Filth:- Saint Andrew of Ashley
24. eye rub u golly-boy:- by Akiko
25. A shrivelled soul: Franz Kafka
26. Ods Bodkin!What manner of a man be this?:-W.Shakespeare
27.I boiled my head in the sea of tranquility and it still makes more sense than this Blog-S.Dali
28.I laughed I cried;-Dorothy Parker
29.I feel graphically abused;-Declan McManus
30.Pap;- God
31. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring….. ;- Alexander Pope
32.ANAL FAGGOTRY:- B. Baggins
33.I wants my precious-S.Gollum

Author: Ben Hourigan

Ben Hourigan is a novelist from Melbourne, Australia. His books Kiss Me, Genius Boy and My Generation’s Lament are Amazon category bestsellers, and are available wherever good books are sold online. Ben also works as an editor, copywriter, and self-publishing consultant at his own firm, Hourigan & Co. For news and book release updates, sign up to his email newsletter.

  • David

    I’m confused. Somebody’s posting cryptic comments about your blog… on a pinboard at your workplace? And you’ve found their cache of comments in a text file on a computer’s desktop?

    Is that right?

    At my workplace they just set photos of Bette Midler as your wallpaper before you come in for the day.

  • Yep, that’s right. Not much more to say, really, except that it sort of sounds like some kind of bizarre alternate-reality game.

    D’you get Midlerized often?

  • Actually, three or four of them are amusing enough, in their way. But the rest split evenly between, on the one hand, trying too hard to show how awfully clever and well read the author believes they are (at the expense of humour) and just crap.

    I don’t know if you ever saw John Sessions in the original improv comedy show “Whose Line is it Anyway?” This reminded me of that, but from someone without his erudition. And it really tended not to be funny when he did it: people laughed forcedly to show they ‘got’ the references.